If Only I Could Take It All Back
by therichnobody
Summary: [AU][Yaoi][Character Death][Rated for future chapters] Zexion Tomomi led a simple life with his love, til one day his love wasn't cutting it. So he sought more action, and looks like he bit off more than he can chew. A lot more. How worse can it get?
1. Prologue

I am returning, with a new, darker muse. So that means I probably won't be continuing some of my more upbeat fics yet, but I am still writing at least. So enjoy this little angst filled alternate universe fic, as this is just the prologue.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories, and Kingdom Hearts II, or the general idea of said characters and places I may mention.

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Cream walls, red carpet, a large window peering into the world. A world so cruel, and so cold; only accepting those who are strong enough to survive in the harsh life. What was to become of the ones who weren't strong enough to cope with the troubles of life? They probably end up like me. I'm Zexion Tomomi, and I am currently in a therapist's office. No one asked me if I needed to go to one, I said that myself. For you see, things happened in my life. Things…that I didn't want to happen but couldn't stop. Like…losing the love of my life, over lust…

As I lay on the leather couch for the patients, I couldn't help but wonder just how therapists get their money. Then again, his supposed doctor wasn't there yet, and was now fifteen minutes late indicated by the small chime from the clock as it struck noon. _Yeah, they would charge by the hour…Tick on as many extra minutes as they can… _the thought crossed my mind just as a middle aged blond man walked into the room. He seemed knowledgeable, by his powerful amber eyes and the way he was dressed, but then again you can't judge a book by it's cover, or so they say. So I just waited for him to speak to me, as I was still shaken up by all that had happened to me.

"Mr. ...Tomomi?" he asked, looking at a clipboard that he held. I silently nodded. "You don't mind me calling you Zexion, do you? In turn you can call me Ansem." I saw that he had a kind smile before I looked up at the ceiling and shook my head. "So it says that you've been in a relationship with...Vexen Faust, for an ample amount of time, correct?" I winced when he asked that. It hurt to hear his name now. Nodding silently, I had to compose myself a bit better, seeing that my eyes already felt hot. "How was your relationship, before this happened of course, or do you mind me asking?"

"No, it's...alright. We were well, lived in peace, had a lot in common... ... ...A perfect life, for the both of us." All I could do was mumble as my mind raced and played back memories of him. 'Ansem' was busy writing down something and didn't say anything, no doubt wanting me to talk more on our relations, but I didn't want to. So I stayed silent, hoping that he'd get the idea, and when he did, his voice...sort of calmed me down a bit. "I see...I'm sorry, this must be hard for you Zexion, but I understand you have had some...bad events happen recently?" This was the only thing I dreaded coming to the therapist, even though it was the thing I needed to do the most. I had to tell him what happened; to relive those painful memories. I sighed, before trying to summon my voice to speak. "Yeah, Some...bad events..." I mumbled softly. _Why did it have to happen... _"It started, a few weeks ago...During me and... ... ..." He noticed I trailed off and said, "Continue, I know whom you're talking about." So taking a deep breath, I continued.

"It was during our intimate time...while... ... ...Well, I was gradually losing...the same feeling I had when we would...do it...And that night... ...I just...didn't feel it at all. But, I didn't let...him know that, like an idiot." My eyes traveled to the floor as I thought of that particular night. "Instead, I just faked it, thinking that I'd be able to feel his... ...You know. But when I didn't for two more nights, I had to have someone who could...satisfy my lust. I was already ashamed that I felt as if I had to do this... but..." I shut my eyes out of the guilt, and kept going, trying to keep calm. "I needed solace. So...I sought out... ...The clubs."

Ansem stopped writing when I said that, then started back; his pace hastened a bit. I could tell he didn't approve of it already. "As soon as I stepped foot in those disease riddled places, I felt disgusted with myself. But apparently someone there saw me and took an interest, because as I was leaving, a tall man stopped me. I kept quiet and removed his hand from my shoulder, trying to avoid confrontation, but he insisted that I meet someone. But when he started pushing me back in the club and towards a group of thuggish looking people, I panicked. My fists flailed and I kicked, but the guy was extremely too strong, and half my size, so I ultimately lost and was brought before and even _larger_ man. I raised my head and glanced at their apparent leader, and I couldn't stop staring. He was..._beautiful_...

"So you fell in love with him? Love at first sight, was it?" The therapist asked, and I nodded slowly. "Yes. His reddish brown hair, piercing sapphire eyes, and his physique was of a god's...Just thinking about him sends shivers down my back...despite what transpired between us." It was true though, a small smile came across my face and I was sure that Ansem caught it as he spoke to me. "I see. And this man name was?"

"Lexaeus Mimorei."

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As I have already planned this fic out, I hope to have no delays and hiatuses for this particular story. And if you enjoy it, send reviews and comments as you wish. Thank you, and TRN out. (waves all cool like)


	2. Chapter 1

Here's the actual first chapter, as you know the first installment was only a prologue. So enjoy the next part of Zexion's spiral descent into insanity.

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The blond man wrote down something else and looked directly at me. "I see. So this...Lexaeus...What did he do when you were placed before him?" I sighed, trying to recall some later moments of that night. "He stood up and walked over to me, looking me up and down. I could tell that he disapproved of me; just by the way he glared. The other men that was by him started to mutter things about me, like calling me a weakling runt and a useless rat, but I noticed that his gaze softened on me...

"What do you even see in this little punk, boss?" One of them spoke out, jabbing a finger in the side of my head. Then another came and gave me a kick in my stomach, which I was NOT expecting. I doubled over and started to cough, as a rather fat gang member made a comment on me as well. "Yeah, I can get you better, LOADS better...He's just a little emo, gonna use 'hem for target practice since he's already willing to die?" Gritting my teeth, I stood to my feet. I don't know what I was going to do, but apparently instinct told me to fight back. But when I did stand up, I was face to face with Lexaeus. "What I see in him doesn't concern you, now does it? Leave us." he said in a dark tone, letting his eyes travel to the other members and watch them disperse into the club's crowds, leaving me alone with him. Wherever my sudden burst of courage went, I wanted it back, for all I could do in his presence alone was whimper.

"His hard face showed a poisonous glare before cracking a small smirk. I couldn't move my legs, but then again I didn't want to move. His eyes locked into mine, and they seemed to be bearing into my very being, as if he was seeing _through_ me. Then, out of nowhere I was face to face with the ground, my jaw hurting immensely. He punched me and it knocked me flat off my feet, and I didn't even know at first. Just the fact that one of my teeth was hit loose and almost traveled down my throat made me realize that he punched me. When I was about to try and get up, he stepped on my back, forcing me to the floor again. I just knew this wasn't going to end well, and this thought grew when he told me to _crawl_ to one of the back rooms."

I shuddered at the thought as Ansem 'hmm'ed in response to my telling. "And you did what he told you?" he asked even though I knew he knew the answer. "Yes, I had no choice but to listen. The man was three times my size and strength, there was no way I could defend myself. So yes, I crawled on those disgusting, condom-riddled floors to the even more filthy back rooms. And when we arrived there, I received another kick, not to my midsection, but to my groin." A small whimper escaped my lips as the memory relived itself in my mind, and it seemed that the therapist felt my pain as well, according to the 'Ouch' mumbled by him. "I ended up on the floor again, holding myself due to the pain, and he simply said 'Up.' Now I'm not the one to rebel against someone ho clearly can do harm upon me, but I couldn't move right then, not after that kick. Apparently he didn't like me not moving when he said to, so Lexaeus grabbed me by the back of my neck and hoisted me to eye level.

'When I say up, that means get your ass up.' he clearly said to me before dropping me painfully on my knee. The only things that were going through my mind were 'Why is this happening to me' and 'When will it be over...' because then I could have sworn I saw a black pistol in his coat. I really did think I was about to die, but thankfully he didn't reach for it. Instead, Lexaeus chose to abuse me more, such as punching out another one of my teeth, kicking and stepping on me, and he even went to the lengths of throwing the lamp at me, which shattered painfully on my back." I had to take a pause in my telling, the memories were too vivid in my mind. The deep red room flashed again in my thoughts, and being on the floor as I felt Lexaeus' boot come in contact with my side over and over again. Even when Ansem told me to continue, I laid there with my eyes closed, trying to make myself continue on with my story. Finally, when I felt that I could keep going (and after he asked me to for the third time), I sighed and started back.

"After my violent beating, he stood in the far corner of the room, watching my pitiful form, waiting for me to stand up. My mind was blank, I barely remember what happened after that, but I could distinctly smell cigarette smoke." The blond looked over to me after taking a long pause to write, and said "So is that all that happened that night, or all that you could remember?"

"... ... ..."

"Zexion...?"

"... ... ...Yes? My apologies, my mind sometimes just...stops now..."

"I can see why...Tell me...Where did you end up? Were you still in the room the next morning?" I stayed silent for a moment or two before answering him. "I...don't know, when I woke up I was in a room, but on the bed and there was a female in there with me. She looked like one of the...'personnel' there, and noticed me when I groaned in pain. She told me that I was out cold and alone when she found me, and didn't hear of any patron that sounded like it could have been Lexaeus. It seemed that he only wanted me just to beat me, but it had to be something more, I knew it." "And how did you know that?" Ansem asked, actually putting down the clipboard and listening to me intently. "Because, I found that my wallet contained no money, but his card."

"My, so in layman's terms, you paid for a beating...And he wanted you to return to him..." the therapist muttered to himself, picking up his clipboard and writing another long passage before replacing it to the table. "This is very peculiar...Strange, but not unheard of. Continue."

It took me a while to regain my train of thought. It really did seem as if I lost a piece of my mind while I was with Lexaeus. "Right...Um... ... ...W-where was...I?"

"After the club, Zexion."

"That's right...My apologies...afterwards, I of course had to head back home, but I do recall that I didn't exactly go home by myself. There was no way I could make it back on my own, so I reluctantly called Vexen to pick me up. And I believe that is when he started to worry about me. But... ... ...after all he did to me in that one night; I couldn't help myself from calling his number only a week later."

Ansem's amber eyes widened a bit upon hearing me say that. "You actually called that man?"

I nodded slowly, remembering exactly my second occurrence with Lexaeus.

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_Rain poured on a moonless night, splattering around a single figure. The small male shivered in his overcoat as he held a dark blue umbrella over his head. He checked his watch, seeing the silver hands point to '12' and '2'. "Ten after midnight...I guess this would be an alright time for a mobster..." he mumbled under his breath as he raised his hand to the brass knocker on the door and knocked three times, listening to the heavy thud echo inside the building. He trembled like a leaf, waiting on someone to answer, and after a few minutes, a heavy-set, balding man answered the door and asked in a husky voice, "Business here?"_

_The young male who knocked blinked and lowered his head, hoping to avoid the other's eyes as he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small business card. "I...have business...w-with your superior..." The balding man snatched the card and looked it over before snorting. "Heh, probably the new punching bag...Follow me, runt." And the diminutive, steel-blue haired male entered the building as the heavy wood doors thundered shut._

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"I know, I sealed my own fate by even considering talking with him again. But I couldn't help myself, something inside me wanted to see Lexaeus again. So, I made sure that Vexen was worry-free and safely asleep before sneaking out at midnight, calling a cab and making my way to the address on the card he left me. And for some reason, when I entered his sanction and my eyes planted themselves on him, I felt...content."

At this, I knew the blond would have questions about why I would feel safe around someone who beat me to sleep, but surprisingly he had none and only wanted me to keep going. "Well, at the time...Lexaeus was..."

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_The short blue-haired man walked in a room whose walls were covered in literature. Books both hardback and paper, scrolls, neatly-stacked papers, any kind of writing were arranged on shelves that reached from the ceiling to the floor. The fore wall and the one hosting the door were home to beheaded animal trophies, some of which were especially beastly. But the young man was transfixed on the scene that took place in the middle of the room. A burly, well built man of menacing stature held a medium-sized handcannon to the head of a cowering figure on the floor. The red-headed muscular man cocked the gun, causing the woman on the floor to sob hysterically. "Please! I'm sorry Master! I can get you the money I promise! J-Just give me two more days, Master please! Allow me a little more time!!!" she cried out in terror, her dark brown eyes welled with tears. The muscular man only scoffed at her plea, and, despite the smaller male yelling out "Don't shoot!" said "Time's up,", pulling the trigger and blowing a baseball-sized hole in the woman's skull. Shutting his eyes, the blue-haired one screamed as the gunshot echoed in the room, blood splattering in front of them and coated the floor, pooling around the woman's lifeless body. The larger male wiped the barrel of his gun on the woman's pants before placing it in an inside coat pocket before glaring at the younger one. "You." he said, making a finger motion for the other to follow him._

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"Yes, Lexaeus was...? Go on..." Ansem stated, knocking me out of my memories. "...He didn't have to shoot her..." I replied, sounding clueless and distraught, but apparently this only sparked the therapist's curiosity more. "He...shot a woman?"

"... ... ...Yeah, right when I walked into his room...Just...point-blank range, even after she begged for mercy...I'm sorry...but that still bothered me. I had never seen anyone die before that incident, and he just did it. Like he never heard of remorse or never thought of giving her a second chance. But..." Shaking my head, I took a small breath before continuing. "I suppose she was one of his workers and she failed to meet his quota or something. But still... ... ...You do get how I feel, don't you Mr. Ansem?" He looked at me, his eyes taking on a serious, stony look. "Of course I do"- "And the bad part about it was that...Once I opened my eyes and saw all the blood on the floor and Lexaeus wiping off his gun on her corpse, I was... ..." Even though I interrupted Ansem, he urged me to continue. "I was...turned on by all of that. The sudden death, a gore-covered floor, and Lexaeus standing in dominance over it all. I...wanted him to take me on that blood-covered floor right then and there." My heart began to race slightly as I could feel my breathing hasten. I had to calm myself to prevent hyperventilation, because I still wanted that to happen. Out of the corner of my eye though, I could see that the blond man had an indescribable look on his face, but I knew he was really into my telling.

In the back of my mind, a thought came by that maybe he wasn't about to give me therapy but was just interested in hearing a good soap opera.

"I see... ... ...I...didn't mean to stop you, Zexion. You may continue, or are you not feeling well?" I must've looked paler than I already was, but then again I didn't really pay attention to that. I was lost in memories again.

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_The small blue-haired male trembled from the sight of the death as he looked up towards the larger male. Nodding slowly, he followed into a dark, back room where only the smell of a lit cigarette was distinguishable. Completely dark, the smaller man had to feel around blindly to learn that he was in some sort of personal room, and finding where the bed was by being pushed onto it. He chose not to get up, the only thing in his mind that was playing over and over again was that he was about to be molested, raped or killed. Lucky for him the other only had a beating in mind. _

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"Zexion...Z-Zexion are you alright...?" the blond therapist was now standing over me, a worried look in his eye. Did I just black out again? It seems I did, by the way Ansem stared at me even as I sat up. "Wait...H-how did I end up on the floor...?" I asked him, brushing myself off and attempting to stand up only to lose balance and having to brace myself on the windowsill. "You were silent then started screaming..." he replied, keeping a close watch on me. I looked out of the window before letting my eyes travel to his. "What...was I yelling..?"

Ansem had a grave look on his face, his amber eyes showing deep concern. "You were yelling...'Do it...Fuck me now'..." There was a long pause after he said that, I didn't know if he was speechless but I did know that he was about to ask why I was yelling that. And I answered, "Because I wanted Lexaeus...inside me... Mr. Ansem sir...I apologize for that, please forgive me for even"- But he didn't allow me to finish my apology. He only wanted me to continue. I smiled mentally, because I knew that what came next was one of the happiest moments in my cold, pitiful life.

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End file.
